What Went Wrong?

In the past two years, my life has changed beyond my wildest dreams. Ultimately, I hope all these changes will make me a better person, however, at this point my entire world has been turned upside down.  Almost everything I believed in, my values, my drive, my so called good nature, turned out to be nothing more then me fooling myself.  My uncontrolled desires to help and please others, became my need for self-satisfaction. This was a very large pill to swallow, and it has left me at the lowest point of my life.  With that said, I have questions. Why did so many people tell me how much of a gentleman I was?  Why did so many people tell me how wonderful of a person I was?  Why did so many people continue to ask for advice and help?  Why did none of these people see this flaw in my character, or did they and I didn't hear or listen to them?  Possibly it's because all of them knew I was lying to them.  You might ask, why would I lie?  Simple, a little white lie to boosted ones self-esteem and spared feelings; how could that hurt?  Well, apparently, as I have been told, these white lies only helped me and not the people I was so desperately trying to help.  At this point, all I can offer is a sincere apology.  I knew not what I was doing.  My motivations were not consciously self-supporting.  My heart was in the right place when I made comments, commitments and promises, sadly my head was not.  Once again, please forgive me.  On the bright side, fate has also given me the most beautiful gift.  With this gift came challenges which I whole heartedly embrace.

I'm hoping that being at the bottom means the only way out, is up.

The past two years has invalidated most of what defined me, along with the devastating loss of both my father and mother and sadly, most of my friends.  Today I am an empty shell.  The good news is that with an empty shell there is plenty of room to grow.

From Joey

I recently lost a very dear and special friend. Not a single day has pasted that she has not been on my mind. When she left, so did a part of my heart. The tears still come. I miss her and love her.

The Sunshine State or state of sunshine

During the past three years I have made several trips to Florida to visit friends and family. I love the climate, the serenity, the flora and of course the food. South Beach and Key West weren't too shabby either. However, my last trip to the Sunshine State was mainly about work and for the most part sans friends. The climate was nice but the state of sunshine wasn't its usually self. I guess what you see is only as good as the people you share it with.

conclusions

The things that are physically and mentally the best for us and most likely present no financial burden are the very things we refuse to embrace. We have been indoctrinated into believing that it is our materialistic values that make us feel good. What a load of crap. Damn it, I want a Maseratti but I will settle for a $100,000 Mercedes.

This life is fake

I just spent the past 5 days in Boca Raton Fl. I have never seen so many Mercedes, Bentley, Rolls Royce and Beamers in one location, not to mention the hundreds of executive jets and yachts that are larger than most homes. The weather is beautiful and the overall appearance of the lower east coast is very clean. However, the amount of money flaunted is disgusting. People need to get their values and their morals realigned. How much money does one person need? When I return to my home in the cold northeast, I will miss the palm tress but not the fake, valueless life style that so many people live in the sunshine state. Well, I guess if someone wanted to give me a few million I should be polite and say thank you.

new year, new thoughts

For several years, a few choice people have been telling me that I don't listen. Since I don't listen, I guess I never heard them. Well as the year has turned I have come to the realization that they might be correct. It was a comment that I did hear referring a comment I didn't hear or listen to that made me open my eyes, actually my ears. So, new years resolutions, no, new life resolution, yes, try to be a conscience listener.

As long as I am confessing, well what the hell, check out this one. I have a mental illness in which I am having lots of trouble getting under control. I procrastinate. I have to be honest; it has cost me thousands of dollars and immeasurable aggravation and stress throughout the years. It has most definitely had an adverse effect on my health. Is there a vaccine for procrastinating? There should be. Don't just sit there reading this boring bla-bla-bla, stop procrastinating and start working on that vaccine. NOW.

Another life change is what I call the JMH effect. It is modeled after the life and personality of a philosopher in which will remain nameless. For future reference, whenever this philosopher is mentioned he will be know as Roc90, it was an imaginary friend from a parallel universe. BTW, JHM stands for Joel's Mental Health, or that is what I want you to think. :) The JMH effect, simple put is to say what is on your mind. Sometimes the JMH effect from the aforementioned Roc90 can be pretty abrasive, not to me of course, because if you were paying attention in the first paragraph, I don't listen, so I don't care what he said. But the fact is Roc90 has reached a level of success and peace that most people only dream of. His secret, he says what is on his mind. Ever hear the expression “the meek inherit the earth" that is bullshit, the meek inherit nothing. Ever see that bumper sticker “Mean People Suck" try this one on, "Meek Sucks". BTW, I really dislike (I don't like to use the word hate, it is very strong) mean people. As long as we are on the subject of people and dislikes, I am not a fan of fakes. You know them, people who try to be what they are not.

Well that is all for now, feel free to comment. good night

Happy Holidays

Friendship is Peace