What Went Wrong?

In the past two years, my life has changed beyond my wildest dreams. Ultimately, I hope all these changes will make me a better person, however, at this point my entire world has been turned upside down.  Almost everything I believed in, my values, my drive, my so called good nature, turned out to be nothing more then me fooling myself.  My uncontrolled desires to help and please others, became my need for self-satisfaction. This was a very large pill to swallow, and it has left me at the lowest point of my life.  With that said, I have questions. Why did so many people tell me how much of a gentleman I was?  Why did so many people tell me how wonderful of a person I was?  Why did so many people continue to ask for advice and help?  Why did none of these people see this flaw in my character, or did they and I didn't hear or listen to them?  Possibly it's because all of them knew I was lying to them.  You might ask, why would I lie?  Simple, a little white lie to boosted ones self-esteem and spared feelings; how could that hurt?  Well, apparently, as I have been told, these white lies only helped me and not the people I was so desperately trying to help.  At this point, all I can offer is a sincere apology.  I knew not what I was doing.  My motivations were not consciously self-supporting.  My heart was in the right place when I made comments, commitments and promises, sadly my head was not.  Once again, please forgive me.  On the bright side, fate has also given me the most beautiful gift.  With this gift came challenges which I whole heartedly embrace.

I'm hoping that being at the bottom means the only way out, is up.

The past two years has invalidated most of what defined me, along with the devastating loss of both my father and mother and sadly, most of my friends.  Today I am an empty shell.  The good news is that with an empty shell there is plenty of room to grow.